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I`m at my most judgmental when standing behind someone in a buffet line.
My fitness goal is to weigh what I told the DMV I weigh.
My definition of" Armed and Dangerous" is: a pissed off wife with a bottle of wine, and the credit cards.
that moment when somebody calls your house phone and ask where you are
Not all guys just want s@x... I want sandwiches too.
Before McDonald`s I bet "don`t buy cheeseburgers from a clown" was a pretty hard and fast rule.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they look.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Just because someone`s richer or more famous or talented doesn`t mean they`re happy. It just means they`re happier than YOU.
No, an erection is not considered personal growth.
Job interview `What is your biggest weakness?` `Honesty` `I don`t think honesty is a weakness` `I don`t give a flying *#(@ what you think!`
The problem with money is that too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.
Really, 6 more inches of snow today. My front yard is getting more action than me.
First you told me to be myself now you`re telling to me not be an idiot. Make up your mind woman!
What kind of downward spiral would cause a person to "like" cream cheese on Facebook?