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Saw a post stating "taking it one day at a time," so I responded "me too. That`s how days work."
Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I`m tipping my ATM more than my bartender.
Why I stay slim? I once was forced to pay for two plane tickets, one for a person who wasn`t travelling with me. That`s why.
Is it "I febreezed my crotch" or "I febroze my crotch"?
Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other,it`s given me another reason to stare.
Please respect the revolving door speed that has already been established.
I cannot be held responsible for what my face does when other people talk.
Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.
According to my nipples, there is a 99% chance it`s cold as hell right now!
When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.
If being an a$$hole was a professional sport, my face would be on a box of wheaties.
10 times out of 9, you’ll find me exaggerating about something
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn`t stolen.
If one door closes and another one opens, seek help your house is haunted.
I never drink unless I am alone or with somebody.