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A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
If you can read this please let me know – because it means I blocked the wrong person.
It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering
My doctor is getting really tired of me asking if the stuff I see in commercials is right for me.
I`m beginning to think that my destiny in life is just to be a bad example that other people can learn from.
Any time you feel lonely, remember, its your fault nobody likes you.
If you`re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
If a clown farts, does it smell funny?
I`m getting tired of having to write "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails. Maybe I should just get an iPhone.
I don´t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
It`s not karma, you`re just an idiot.
Its so cold out, I actually saw a gangsta with his pants UP!
If you ring my door bell you better be the pizza guy or a sexy naked lady ... with a pizza.
Hey you! Yea you ... Don`t just pass by my status and not say hi.
No one on Earth has a higher tolerance to cold temperatures than someone who wants to smoke a cigarette.