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"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call
It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
If you think this status is funny someone you hate will step on a lego.
Two days is not enough time for a weekend.
Any question is a hard hitting question when it`s written on a brick and thrown full force at your face.
I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
If you knew what I considered to be my "best behavior" it`s doubtful you`d advise me to be "on it".
Dear college students, Sorry about your GPA. - Netflix
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can`t see them pick their nose?
I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.
Wouldn`t ventriloquists be a lot cooler if they could throw their farts?
I always look out for #1 ... unless I`m walking thru my yard, then I look out for #2