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Aren`t you too fat to be this rude?
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"
Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you put your finger in their mouth when they yawn.
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”
Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.
Ask me about my ability to annoy complete strangers.
Remember the good ole days when we had to get out of bed to use the Internet.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs.”
If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.
i forgot how to put a status ... can anyone help me ?
I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I`m not an actor.
If it wasn`t for physics and law enforcement, I`d be unstoppable.
If nobody comes from the future to stop you, how bad can the decision really be?