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If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she`s practising for her next selfie
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes... or until you check their browser history.
I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though.
If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.
Don`t you love followers that don`t acknowledge your existence. Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
I`ve always pictured myself taking selfies.
I am at the gym! Well, the parking lot. They have free wi-fi.
All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.
If you didn`t want to be hit with a shovel then you never should have started telling me about your problems.
All I`m saying is if I`m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Every-time I walk over a sewer grate I look down into it hoping to catch a glimpse of a Ninja Turtle
How I sing it: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G,....H, I, J, K, A LEMON OH PEE!....Q, R, S....T, U, V....W, X....Y, and Z."
Adulthood is basically sadness and paying bills.