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The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back in my toy chest..
Anybody have plans to stare at their phone somewhere exciting this weekend?
The fastest way to get someone to call you back is to take a shower.
You could give me 45 years to do homework and I still wouldn’t do it until the night before.
Being an adult is the worst idea ever.
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
Treasure the years with your children while they are still distracted by bubbles.
Do strippers have nightmares where they are in front of a large crowd with their clothes on?
Life is just better when you’re laughing.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first make sure she has coffee, you don`t want to get up there and there`s no coffee.
Why are police men so strong? Because they hold up traffic.
Im really not just some idiot with nothing better to do with my time, I just play one in FB.
Good thing I`m judged on my actions and not my thoughts.
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes