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Having a contest with my couch and my washing machine to see who has more money. So far I`m in 3rd.
People don`t want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
Well, it`s almost the end of the year. No point in trying to become a good person this late in the game.
You post all of your drama on Facebook. Then get upset when people judge you? You must be a special kind of stupid.
Sometimes when my phones at 5% battery life I call back all the people I didn`t want to talk too.
Friends would describe me as classy, sassy and a bit smart-assy.
My ex was in a swimming competition with 19 other women today. They were doing the breaststroke. Unfortunately, she came in last place. She didn`t know she could have used her arms!
Every family has a plastic bag full of plastic bags.
Few people have the balls to admit when they`re wrong. Then again, few people have talking balls.
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music
Just saw the previews for the movie Taken 3, you would think by now he would`ve gave his daughter self-defense and gun lessons?
The problem with reality is that there’s no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"
I try and inspire at least one person everyday to leave me the f*ck alone.