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LIFE TIP: The early worm gets dismembered, and eaten alive!
If you think people are stupid, randomly post "Happy Birthday" wishes on peoples FB page and see how many others tell them happy birthday.
If you`re going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you`re just an ass.
Girl: I am not having having s@x with guys at the moment. Boy:I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue
"I`m sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing...except when you`re at a funeral.
Jehovah`s Witnesses, Improving my hiding skills since 1974.
If my psychiatrist said "There`s really nothing more I can do for you", that means I`m cured right??
Mission Impossible: Ordering something at Subway without saying, "ummmm".
Although tequila is highly toxic, it can be used to dissolve the friend zone.
Guy advice #221: Starting a load of laundry in the washing machine and then starting a load in the dryer counts as `2 loads` - just sayin`!
Fact: Pornos aren`t based on actual events.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
It`s not that I CAN`T be good, it`s that I`m SOOOOO much better at being BAD!!!
The only way I`ll ever run a marathon is if I set up the booths and hand out tags.
I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you