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When you write misspelled backwards it`s misspelled.
Types of like on facebook: 1.Stalker like. 2.Crush like. 3.I wanna bang you like. 4.Agree like 5.Pity like.
Either I need to up my dosage or my income.
You know you`re addicted to your iphone when you start using your fingers to zoom into things on your laptop computer. Or a printed photo. Or a book. Or your watch.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with pretty daughters do.
What kind of wine goes best with laundry?
My first crush was in kindergarten. I instantly knew I was doomed when she colored Neatly and Perfectly inside every line with a smug, superior smile
It’s getting harder and harder to find vodka-flavored vodka.
A group hug in my family means someone wants to use you as a napkin.
Everyone picks their nose at some point, it`s what you choose to do next that defines who you are as a person.
You know it`s a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
I like my coffee like I like my men: caffeinated, made of beans, muscular, tousled hair, you know what, I don`t really know how to do this..
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."
I just heard a woodpecker call me a `paranoid old weirdo` in morse code.