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If you are offended by the things I post on FB you can only imagine the ones I don`t post.
There are no bad pictures; that’s just how your face looks sometimes.
If you didn`t hear it with your own ears or see it with you own eyes. Don`t invent it with your small mind, and share it with your big mouth.
99% sure my soulmate is a piece of pizza.
For a minute there, I thought I had just wasted 60 seconds...
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you`re having a velociraptor.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some I’d love to punch them in the face.
I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I`m not even married.
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
Today`s Big Idea: Coffee eye drops.
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
At least a stalker is there for you.
LSD makes users lose weight ... That makes sense. It`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.