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I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
I do whatever the little voices tell me to do.
This dishwasher sucks. It`s already ruined three of my paper plates.
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there`s nothing I can do about it.
I don`t get why people find drunk texts annoying. You`re the person they`re thinking of when their brain can`t even function properly.
I wish I could just cut out the middleman and have the light honk when it turns green.
If practice makes perfect, one day I will make the perfect mistake.
If you really want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn`t be telling you this but ..."
I hope manners is the next cool trend.
If anyone is interested I`ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Just once, I`d like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.
I started drinking a little early. Yesterday, to be more precise.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Some people pass through our lives just to teach us not to be like them.