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I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...
I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
I pay $200 a month for car insurance, I`ll run all the red lights I want
Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.
My mind says diet, but my stomach is all SHUT UP BITCH.
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until ALL the birds have gone South for the Winter.
Did you know that if you light a candle under the moonlight and you say 3 times the name of the person you love, you will look really stupid doing that!
hmm ... I wonder what I´m thinking?
Every so often I’ll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time, to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can hear them misspelling words?
Some days the only thought that stops me from being Dexter...is that I am WAY too pretty to go to prison
Porn is a lot like yoga pants. Not everybody should be in them.
Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I`m calling Santa!"
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream.
If you recieve something that says,”Send it to all your friends” , then please don`t consider me as your friend.