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Instead of torturing people for getting information, why don’t they just get them really drunk?
Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
Sometimes I wonder if that kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught the fish yet.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard. My second thought is virgin wizard.
Me: Dad, going to the 50cents concert. Dad: Here`s a dollar, take your sister with you.
It’s not that I don’t want kids, it’s just that I don’t want a minivan.
Waldo wears stripes because he doesn`t want to be spotted !
It`s so nice to come home and relax with Facebook after a long day at the office being on Facebook.
My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!
What if the stickers are the only thing Made In China?
Relationship status: Just got screamed at for peeling the carrots wrong.
You chicks spend a lot of money on makeup to look pretty. Save your cash, buy him Alcohol.
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn`t seem so bad now.
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