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Insomnia is very common. Try not to lose any sleep over it.
I`m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign And before that ... we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that sh!t.
Life should be more like hockey. When someone pisses you off, you just beat the sh!t out of them then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.
Some marriages end up fine, the others last forever.
Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I`m like, "Nope. I`m good."
Apparently, "Step up your game" isn`t the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.
You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I`m telling you why...we have our own problems and nobody cares about yours.
Don`t judge me just because I sin differently from you.
If all men are created equal then why are there midgets?
I`m so hungry I could eat without looking down at my phone.
I wonder if Earth makes fun of the Moon for having no life.
I often ask myself "What`s wrong with me?" and the answer is ALWAYS "You can`t drink at work"
Yes... I repost. Isn`t that kinda the point? Spread the love and shit? Mostly shit... But that`s your fault...
The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Snickers
6 FUNNIEST CONTRADICTING WORDS 1.Clearly misunderstood 2.Exact estimate 3.Small crowd 4.Found missing 5.Fully empty 6.Happily married