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I end a sentence with "just sayin" because ending it with "dumbass" would be offensive.
If you think this status is funny someone you hate will step on a lego.
It was love at first sight...I should have looked twice.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I`m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
I love to do housework in the nude. Unfortunately for the neighbours, today I`m roofing.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?” Facebook is worse than my parents.
Women`s magazines are so funny. 1: You`re beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days.
Your selfie would be way better if you weren`t in it.
When people I don’t know ask me what I do for a living I shout “Karma,” and punch them before running away.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
Watch out! It’s quite possible some of my best mistakes haven’t been made yet.
Line forms here for spankings
Why the hell isn`t the iphone`s battery life called "Apple Juice."
The sad part about seeing any shopper at Walmart with a blue tooth, is that normally it is that shopper`s only tooth.
My friend bought some new floral underwear today. I asked her why she bought `floral` underwear to which she replied "its in memory of all the faces that have been buried there".