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The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I fell asleep on the couch last night & woke up thinking I was married.
2 can keep a secret if one of them is dead...
Gyms are full of people that haven`t found the right couch.
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.
Found out the name of my neighbor`s cat. In other news, I now have free internet.
When I was little my dad had me convinced that the Ice Cream truck only played music when it was sold out. Well played Dad, well played.
Don`t sugar-coat it, I`ll just lick that off....
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don`t know the man & he doesn`t know you`re eating his popcorn
Being stuck in the`` friend zone`` is like an employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he hired.
*during sex,I suddenly stop moving* Her: What are you doing? Me: SHHHHH It`s ok...I saw this on Pornhub, It`s called Buffering!
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental issues
“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing… Unless you’re at a funeral.