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If we can have HD video from Mars,,, then I should have 4 bars on my phone everywhere I go.
Dieting is for the birds. Which is why you hardly ever see a fat bird.
Stretch marks? You mean sick a$$ lightning tattoos.
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
Ugh, I have an ingrown hair and it really hurts. This sounds like a job for medical marijuana.
Light travels faster than sound. That`s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I wonder if people that live in Hawaii have screensavers of bumper to bumper traffic?
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
Overwhelming scientific evidence suggests a startling number of people are capable of ignoring overwhelming scientific evidence.
Dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me.
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they don`t laugh either.
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
Pee your name in the snow and you`ll quickly understand why they should teach cursive in our schools.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I farted in the apple store and everyone got pissed, not my fault they dont have windows ...