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When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found.
I swear this is the last time I watch Groundhog Day
Let`s party like there`s no tomorrow and call in sick if there is one.
If a girl bangs ten dudes in a year she is a slut. If a guy done he`s gay. Definitely gay.
You are by far my smartest and best looking friend on Facebook.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
The first guy who persuaded a blind guy to wear sunglasses, must have been a hell of a salesman.
I`m so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn.
Office Tip: In a pinch a booger and a small piece of copy paper is as good as a post it note.
What`s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don`t know and I don`t care.
I don`t get my neighbor. tells me to make my self at home but then gets pissed off when they come into the kitchen and I`m in my underwear making a sandwich.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.
Don`t sweat the petty things and don`t pet the sweaty things.
The drunker I get, the more dance moves I know.
Handy tip for new parents : Wake up your baby by gently resting your head on a pillow.