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I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
my wish for tonight is for the person reading this status to have a Good Night!
In alcohol`s defense, I`ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild
Roses are red, violets are blue. god made me pretty,what happened to you?
oh look at the time, it`s time to not care
I am a drinker ... Hear me pour
As i walk thru the valley of the shadow of death i was like what da f**k am i doin here
The closest I`ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
This is my first status of 2017. Yeah, I thought it would be better too.
Common sense is so rare it should be classified as a super power
I didn`t break the rules. They were broken when I got here.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!