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It`s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
The best moments in life are simple… you know like when you sit down and get comfy and the remote is magically next to you.
"Probiotic" sounds a lot better than "bacteria infested"
What if every time a song pops into your head, it’s really just your brain intercepting one of the bajillion radio signals bouncing around you?
If your lawyer has a ponytail, you`re going to jail
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but so was yesterday, and look how that turned out...
My life has a great cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
If money can`t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I`ll be telling everyone it`s from having sex while skydiving.
Just heard some guy yell "F**K!" ... I thought this was impressive because not many people can pronounce asterisks.
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
What`s this g-mail? I just got used to e-mail. And why did they skip f-mail?
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
OK so i have an idea ............... wait why are you all running away?