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Today`s secret word is "epic". When someone says the secret word scream real loud and punch them in the face.
As a man, EVERY month is `Breast Awareness Month` for me.
On your birthday I think the Airlines should let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide.
Remember this when you are drunk: You can`t fall off the floor.
Helpful Tip: You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Unless otherwise stated, I have no idea what I’m talking about.
Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.
There may be two sides to every story, but you’re still a douche in both of them.
Never trust a married guys opinion of who’s hot. It’s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
Been coughing all night & day, can`t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.
In retrospect, I suppose "harder" wasn`t the best choice of a safe word.
Just looked at the price of baby strollers. I think were gonna have an indoor baby.
Apparently, "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed.
"Hey bro shotgun this beer" No I don`t drink "You wanna be cool don`t you?" I don`t drink "C`mon NERD!" Grandma PLEASE stop
There`s a thin line between "I should write a status about that" and "I should talk to my therapist about that"....