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Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I`ve been one for 30 some years now.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
I`ve been knocking for ten minutes. Don`t people answer their bathroom windows anymore?
If I was Neil Armstrong landing on the moon, "That`s one small step for man," would have been, "Screw you every girl who ever shot me down!"
I hate Cheetos stains on my peignoir.........
Sometimes I think I`m a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.
One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does
You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let`s do it!!
Juvenile humor My friend David lost his ID. We just call him Dav now. Here`s your sign..................
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,…Why don’t you ever smile in my pictures?
If you can read this, you`re not having sex either.
Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my “funny” status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.