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As a kid, i was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electrical bill.
Sarcasm, I put that sh!t on everything
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them? Why aren`t we helping to find them?
When I die, I want people to say, "That guy owed me a lot of money"
I`m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, `You`re only interested in one thing,` and you can`t remember what it is.
I`ve been single so long now I don`t remember what it`s like for someone to be mad at me for something I didn`t even know it did!
In Starbucks a customer went sh*t house rat crazy when they got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot they ordered ... I`m fine now.
The best curve on a woman is her smile :) ...Hahahaha lmao! No I`m kidding, it`s her boobs.
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot. I didn`t even know I had a wife.
I now have more electronic screens in my life than friends.
Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard.
I bought 2 fish and named one, “one” and the other “two”, so when “one” dies I will still have “two”.
Apple and Blackberry should team up and make a phone called the Pie.
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.