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Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year that DVR`s are used to watch commercials, instead of skip them!
What idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
My greatest talent is being able to watch 5 years worth of a TV shows in one week.
My bank balance is a constant reminder that I`m safe from identity theft
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to prevent me from savagely beating my coworkers with a keyboard.
I will always be here for you. Unless we run out of beer and someone has some over there. Then I will be over there for you.
My level of sarcasm has reached a dangerous level where even I don`t know if I`m kidding or not.
I`m about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings
I`m not the cat lady type. I`m more like an actual cat. I want affection when I want it and on my terms. The rest of the time I want to claw out your eyes and piss in your shoe.
What makes fancy green beans fancy?
The only beachfront property I`ll ever be able to afford is a sandcastle.
You`ll notice you never see sweatpants with "Classy" written across the butt.
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.
You know how we smack your household appliances when they`re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.