Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!
Don`t just lay there... Move! Bounce! Do something!! ~ me, pleading with my hair
I just read that burglars use Facebook to see when people aren’t home. So from now on, I’m at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.
My living room is pretty much a fat camp without rules.
My house is not messy. Those are just obstacles I`ve put in place for burglars.
I`m not saying I`m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I`ll probably do whatever you want
I believe in sharing the road with other drivers. They can have the part behind me.
Really disappointed to find out after laser eye surgery I am unable to burn down buildings
If you`re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Just made eye contact with a guy while licking my lips ... I think I need to kill him now.
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
Some people you know was dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.
If they gave out awards for laziness, I would have to send somebody to accept it for me.
The real reason I’m not a superhero…. Pockets, I need my pockets.