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My internet was down for almost 4 mins, I’m ok but the 911 operator was a total b!tch about it!
What this country needs is more unemployed politicians...
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re making my pizza & you say "This guy looks like he wants extra cheese" then please do..
I love using my GPS, problem is I can`t find it.
I love you more than I hate everyone else.
My neck, my back, my Netflix and my snacks.
You laugh because I´m different. I laugh cause I just farted!
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man
I get my cardio from caffeine...
If you`re behind someone at the ATM late at night, let them know you`re not a threat by giving them a gentle kiss on their neck.
Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn`t want to go to in the first place.
If a post is really good you will read it twice. if a post is really good you will read it twice.
Some life lessons are so profound; you only need to do them one time. Putting Icy Hot on my balls, for example …
I`m starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that it doesn`t let you skip.