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When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
The human body is roughly 60% water. I`m not fat, I`m flooded.
It`s not stretching if it doesn`t involve crazy dinosaur noises.
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
i never said i knew what i was doing, i said i was going to do it anyway :)
Not sure if my dog is barking for no reason or Iām about to be murdered.
All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
My new girlfiend is taking forever to exist.
I like to gaze up at the stars at night and think about how somewhere there is intelligent life that hates doing laundry as much as I do.
Why must I prove I`m me, if I`m callin to pay my bill. Do strangers call to pay my bills? If they do, then let them, you idiots!
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Fitness? More like, fitness whole pizza in my mouth.
I may be asking too much of this coffee.
A lot of woman turn into good drivers. So if you`re a good driver, beware of women drivers when their making a turn.