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is pretty sure there´s a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking...And I plan on finding out what that is.
Whoever is controlling me sucks at this game.
Do you suppose prison guards could use `PROACTIV` to prevent outbreaks?
I always say, "monring" instead of "good morning" because if it was a good morning, I`d still be in bed sleeping.
One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leave.
It`s possible you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
Never look at your beer as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer.
When I started out, I was young and idealistic, I wanted a Career and to make a difference in the World, but it turned out that I only wanted Paychecks........
My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance.... We`ll see about that.
Why doesn`t someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it`s toasting.
Bored? Text "Our condom broke." to a random number
If you need Facebook to remind you it`s your wife`s birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.
Having a pen!s is like having a friend that always wants to play.
My friend is showing me her new vegan handbag. I know vegans can be annoying, but should we really be making accessories out of them?
"Is everything OK?" "Well, I`ve been kind of down since the divorce..." "I meant with your pasta, sir."