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I figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water. It`s H2OMG
For a minute there, I thought I had just wasted 60 seconds...
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous ... You`re practically begging for typos.
My life is a lot like Ikea furniture with missing instructions. I’ll get it together eventually but it won’t ever feel quite right.
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
I don’t even know what I don’t know.
I`m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
You should have seen the guy who unlocked the liquor store this morning. It was like he never saw anyone roll up a sleeping bag before.
My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell `em: "You`re gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!
If any of you have gotten any weird texts from me recently, its because my phone is working fine and I`m just trying to make you feel uncomfortable.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
homework wont kill me, but why take the risk!
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!
Do you think people will start blaming auto correct for there marriages breaking down?
Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.