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The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!!
United should roll out Rodeo Rewards where you get paid based on how long you are able to stay on the plane when you are chosen to volunteer.
"Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...
Barbie has an awful lot of things for a girl who`s knees don`t bend.
A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing
Just as I predicted, today was in fact a new day!
My dog can`t hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away
My idea of getting lucky is having someone else do the laundry.
??q? uo p??oq??? ? ?nq i ??i? ?s?? ??? si si??
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Give me a fish & I`ll cook you dinner. Teach me to fish & I`ll just be sitting there in the boat with you getting drunk.
some mornings i wish i could sneak up behind my alarm clock and say, "HOW DOES IT FEEL?!!"
I just don`t understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
I found a penny today that reminded me of you. Totally worthless and always in a stranger`s pants.