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Every woman is beautiful in her own unique way. Sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.
Dear automatic flushing toilet. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn`t quite finished...
If by crunches you mean Captain Crunch cereal, then yes I do crunches.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil?
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes...Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Did the Baha Men ever find their dogs? Did they put up posters or just sing that song?
Women who say the quickest way to a man`s heart is through his stomach, have not seen his browser history.
Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.
Looks like you have a lot on your mind. Do you wanna drink about it?
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
Sure, I`ll show up at your Halloween Party... I`ll be coming as the invisible man....
My boss yelled at me yesterday "It`s the fifth time you`ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!" I said, "Probably that it`s Friday?"…