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Just saw someone holding a sign that said "Honk 2 impeach Obama" You`d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
If running away from my problems counts as exercise then yes, I work out a lot.
Christmas is just like any other day in the workplace, you work your butt off and the fat guy with a suit gets all the credit.
Why do we say "A word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones who need it?
I need a Shazam app for people I`m supposed to recognize but can`t remember
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Show me a bunch of people with type A personalities, and I`ll show you a control group.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? You were driving 80 miles an hour. Driver: "No way; I ain`t even been on the road an hour."
I don`t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGI Friday`s once a month and glue more sh!t to the wall, no one notices, try it
There’d be less accidents if there was a texting lane.
When people ask for my advice, I advise them not to take my advice. That really screws them up.
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
Over the weekend I pulled a muscle getting off the couch to fetch more Doritos.
When I was little I didn`t care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it`s obvious that my parents didn`t care either.
Hoping to get "till death do us part" reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.