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My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become..
Men are like dogs. We’re excited to see you and have no clue what you’re mad about.
With everything going on lately... I`ve got a lot of serious thinking to do! Oops....Did I say "Thinking".... I meant "Drinking"!!
Why do we say "A word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones who need it?
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I`m in a liquor store.
Thanks to the popularity of gifs, we are living in the golden age of silent films.
I`ve been single so long now I don`t remember what it`s like for someone to be mad at me for something I didn`t even know it did!
Single women come home, see what`s in the fridge and go to bed...while married women come home see what`s in the bed and go to the fridge.
I broke up with my gym, we were just not working out.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of it!
Relationships are not a test... So why cheat?
A police officer just knocked on my door to tell me my dogs were chasing kids down the road on bikes.. Umm.. My dogs don`t even own bikes?
If you can`t handle me at my worst I completely understand, because I can`t either.
And I was like “No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi.” And she was all “Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies.”