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My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
I don’t like people who can’t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, leave as patient.
You tell me I`m crazy, the voices tell me I`m not. 4 against 1, so........
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
Own the day
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
Word for the day is asstard
It`s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
I`m so good, I scream my own name out during sex.
I`d be the stripper that got fired for eating her way out of the cake instead of jumping out of it.
I like to gaze up at the stars at night and think about how somewhere there is intelligent life that hates doing laundry as much as I do.
You seem to be very educated on the things you make up.
I’m amazed by how quickly I forget what I’m doing.
Son, you don`t get anything in life without trying hard and working for it. Now be quiet, there about to announce the lottery results...