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They should turn off Netflix at 1:00am for people with jobs and no willpower....bastards
I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
If you live in a custom-built house that doesn’t have a secret room hidden behind a fake bookcase, then seriously what is the point?
Thank God! the women with 3 boobs was a hoax... I just couldn`t wrap my hands around it....
I just got off the couch and I think I accidentally did yoga or some $hit.
Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I’m not reading it.
You`d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car ... But I won`t
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
I`m as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn.
If I was a waiter.. I would plant fake engagement rings in every girl`s champagne glass, just to see their boyfriends panic.
It’s getting harder and harder to find vodka-flavored vodka.
The most effective way to torture young people is to make them watch old people use a computer.
Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.
I was halfway through a recipe when I read the instruction "Now chill in fridge for at least two hours". I only managed 30 minutes. I was freezing.
She texted me: "Your adorable.". I replied: "No, you`re adorable." Now she thinks I like her. All I did was point out her typo!