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*licks finger, holds it up in the air* ah yes, just as I suspected. wind.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I try not to be rude, but some people make it hard work.
If I was Neil Armstrong landing on the moon, "That`s one small step for man," would have been, "Screw you every girl who ever shot me down!"
The only thing worse than "the one that got away" is the one that won`t go away.
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says “trust me, you don’t want to know.”
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It`s not hard.
Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?
This is odd?!?! The hour we lost this weekend was the one when I was planning to go to the gym.
I have company coming, does a spork go on the right or left side?
Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?..... Are you paying too much for electricity?
It`s amazing the things I can remember when I don`t need to remember anything.
I don`t always do a lot, but I put a lot of thought into it.
I took two years of Spanish in high school, so ordering off the Taco Bell menu is super easy for me.
Cop: Sir what is in the bottle next to you? Man: It`s water *hands the cop the bottle* Cop: Sir, this is wine. Man: Jesus did it again!