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I`m sorry did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
We can`t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son`s love, I sometimes think to myself, "This may be the worst prize ever."
Don`t forget: it`s very important what strangers on the Internet think about you.
I don`t like people who can`t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
Wait, there`s a "wrong hole"?
I made a New Years Resolution to gain 20 lbs, so I can relish in the sense of accomplishment and success!
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you in digust, but deep down inside they want some.
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they’re going to put you in one.
I just assume I do everything wrong since I don`t have a wife to confirm it.
"Lets hang out sometime" -liars.
my girlfriend does that cute thing, where she doesnt exist.
You`d think by episode 133 the Scooby Doo gang would know it`s a guy in a costume every time.
Hitting the lotto is a sure way to stop hating on Mondays...
Being alive is so expensive.