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Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from. FML
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Answer your phone, "come in" just to mess with people once in a while. Count how many seconds it takes for them to respond.
Adulthood is when 4:30am is early in the morning instead of late at night.
Sometimes I take a bath because it’s hard to drink wine in the shower.
I avoid online dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests. I don`t want to go out with a weirdo.
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
“I wish there was a more convenient way to stalk others”- The phrase that started Facebook.
For those of you who know nothing about pleasing a woman... the G spot is located at the end of the word "shopping".....js
Yeah I`m married, but get one thing straight,,, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanhjkjhgfd,, THIS IS SCOTT`S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
I believe in love at first sight or as science calls it, "boners."
Vaginas are like the weather. When it`s wet, it`s time to go inside.
Eating Popcorn: 90% during the trailers. 10% during the movie.
Youth is wasted on the young.