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Ever work out and think "wow I really needed that"? That`s how I feel about the chocolate chip cookie I just ate.
I`m in therapy to learn how to deal with people who should be in therapy
You and I are just different. And by different I mean you`re stupid.
You had me at, "we`ll make it look like an accident."
Still waiting for the moment when there will be a "add to wishlist" button on people`s facebook profile !!
Sometimes I let the words in my mind come out of my mouth. And it feels awesome! B)
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Give a man a jacket, and he will stay warm when he goes outside. Teach a man to jack it, and he won`t go outside at all.
An ex asking to stay friends after you break up is like a kidnapper asking to stay in touch after they let you go.
Facebook should allow people to be in a relationship with food. That would be my relationship for eternity.
Note to future self: Tequila is a liar. You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Remind me why I work 40 hours a week to be this poor?
I have no time or patience for games in my relationships. Unless by “games” you’re referring to naked Twister. I can make time for that.
maturity comes when you stop publishing every detail of your life on social media
Whoever said paper beats rock is an idiot. Next time that happens, I`m gonna throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.