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Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Im pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I`m going to need those back.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone`s food pics and posting the calories.
Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes.
People who drive under the speed limit are probably the same people who drink decaf.
Admit it...Life yould be boring without me.
Karma’s only a bitch if you are.
I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it’s cold like why you gotta play me like that.
The bouncer at the club calls me Kevin McAllister because I`m always going home alone
I’m sorry I offended you with my common sense.
I have difficulty sleeping at night because I lay awake obsessing over life`s mysteries, like how exactly does paper beat rock.
When it`s raining I don`t work, when its sunny I don`t work, when its cloudy I call in sick!
The filling in this fortune cookie tastes like paper...
When your Dr. says "I`ll need to Google that"..... it`s time to change Doctors