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And, yet another day I’ve gone without using calculus.
I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
Mondays should start at noon.
The responsibility of taking out the trash should be left to the person who runs out of ways to fit more trash in the bag.
If you don’t feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend… you’re not doing it right.
You know it`s gonna be a sh!tty day when you put your bra on backwords and it fits better.
I`m at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn`t have to get up to pee.
Safe words are for quitters.
I got a free wallet and watch today. It`s like this gun is magic.
Condoms prevent minivans.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid`s vomit.
I find the best way to get rid of headaches is to send them either to their rooms or outside to play.
I listen to all of of the voices in my head...except the one named Reason. He makes NO sense to me.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex...unless you`re fighting with your brother.