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I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
If you could have all of Bill Gates` money or world peace, what colour would your Lamborghini be?
I don`t understand why people go to the gym all the time... everything there`s so heavy.
I just burned 1200 calories! I forgot about the pizza in the oven.
People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.
The only thing I ever throwback on Thursdays are drinks
Unless you fell off the stairmaster and a barbell fell on your face... no one wants to hear about your workout.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
If Facebook isn’t a drug then someone please explain to me why I sneak into the bathroom at work to use it.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.