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Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
I`m not a doctor but I play one on Match.com
Since my girlfriend has gotten pregnant alot has changed... Like my name, address and telephone number.
I`m confused as to whether I`m supposed to leap or hump today.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a prescription bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness."
The weekend is just a bittersweet memory.... I won`t cry because it`s over, I`ll smile because for a few miles they believed I was the real bus driver.
I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster.
I`m gonna surprise my hand with some sex tonight!
Every day can be Friday if you`re really irresponsible.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
I wish I could select all my responsibilities and press delete.
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.
My boss told me that if I can`t show up sober then don`t bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!
Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it`s voice activated. I`m at the mall and everytime santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number
Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.