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Googling ways to dispose of a body, mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. “Alright, get in the basket”
My girlfriend ended up with a broken nose today because she wouldn`t listen to me... I said,"You`re about to walk into a lamppost."
I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos tonight since they`re going to expire in 2017.
New word of the day: Stupidiot!!
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I`d highly recommend Fight Club.
If a 747 can carry a f*cking space shuttle on its back, I’m calling bullsh!t on an overweight baggage charge.
I`m not a mechanic so I don`t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
I really think there should be a separate driving lane for those of us running solely on caffeine and rage.
The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.
Doing some laundry and hot single socks in my dryer are looking for a mate.
Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.
The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table was when I was trying to make room for a pizza.