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I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Girl: What`s the plan, get me drunk and take advantage of me. Boy: Good, you`ve done this before
Dear grumpy people: donuts are only $.99
People should be loved. Things should be used. Unfortunately, we have it backwards
Was shopping when a small child riding shotgun in a shopping cart yelling "why you ain`t got no babies?"I bet my father in law paid her
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
On average I spend $75 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Not remembering where I set my drink down must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall.
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
If you feel bad because you didn’t do well on a final, just remember someone from your hometown is still trying to become a rapper.
pens and pencils are drumsticks and desks and textbooks are drum kits. its a fact.
Being an American is awesome. The end.
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can`t leave messages now. That`s the kind of genius I am.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.