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I have a feeling I already know which direction my "Get rich or die trying" lifestyle is headed.
It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
When it comes to bug protection, you just can`t beat "OFF!".
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
Whenever I hear the phrase `anything is possible`, I giggle and think about someone trying to slam a revolving door :)
I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check
As a child, my mom told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
I don`t think its a coincidence that "Sober" and "So bored" sound very much alike
bras are booby-traps
Don`t know what to get your husband for Christmas? Whatever you give him, give it to him naked. Problem solved
Getting drunk and listening to loud music solves 87% of all life`s problems
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
My bank lets me send a text message and it will text back with my balance. Its a cool feature but I didn`t think the LOL was necessary.
I don’t care what women say, size matters in bed. The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.