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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
From this point on, all postings of pictures of waffles will be considered a personal invitation.
Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
if you hold a dinner fork really close to your eyes, you can pretend that they`re in jail
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you."
My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Old video games couldn`t be won. They just got harder and harder until you died. Just like real life.
You can tell by a woman`s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
If anyone is interested, I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 1:00 PM until I’m escorted out by security.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That`s how this works.
Ahhh, the 4th of July. The day where trips to hospital start with the words "Hold my beer and watch this!"
Curious that it`s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Love your neighbor. But don`t get caught.
There is a 3-for-2 sale in my local shoe shop. I almost bought myself a new pair of shoes, but couldn`t decide whether to get an extra left or a right one as part of the offer....