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Political debates are great if you want to watch idiots talk to us like idiots to prove that the idiot next to them is a bigger idiot.
Sometimes, I drink a glass of water, just to surprise my liver!
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you`re having a velociraptor.
Finally, my winter fat is gone, now all I have are spring rolls.
It’s 2015, why cant you unselect a floor in an elevator yet?
Marriage. The world`s oldest form of identity theft.
Over the weekend I pulled a muscle getting off the couch to fetch more Doritos.
I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.
Been coughing all night & day, can`t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot. I didn`t even know I had a wife.
If you trip and are about to fall on the ground yell "He`s got a gun!" and then you`ll look like a cool hero.
REMEMBER: If you start to hear banjos, get the hell outta there!
I have to be funny because being hot is not an option.
I don`t understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and feel like a champion.
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.