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Wouldn’t it be great to hear a priest say “been there, done that” in reply to your confessed sins?
We live in a society that’s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
Guys are excellent cooks. With two eggs, a sausage, & a little bit of milk...they can keep a girl`s stomach full for 9 months.
These old people at the bus stop really suck at paintball.
On the Internet you can be anything you want ... It`s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.
Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.
We all need that special person in our lives that makes it worth while to shave our pubes.
You say I’m not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I’m not cold, I’m hot. I know I’m hot. Thanks for embracing it.
I like long walks on the beach and drives through Taco Bells drive-thru.
Hello everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like.
Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
I would tell you to go to he!! but all dogs go to heaven.
The voices in my head are not real, but they have good ideas.