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Iām not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
Don`t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.
I wrote you this love poem: Here, just take my credit card.
The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I`ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He`s in a better place now."
A comprehensive list of the things women have taught me: 1) I`m wrong.
Nuclear physicists can be lots of fun. They`re often referred to as the half life of any party.
I`d have a longer attention span if things weren`t so shiny.
If a zombie apocalypse were to happen in Vegas... would it stay in Vegas?
I wish tanning beds could pop you out like a toaster when you`re finished.
Full disclosure: All my statuses with less than 3 likes were made by my intern.
I embraced my inner child today and the lil` bastard bit me!
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I just wanna find a girl who loves me for my money. That way I wouldn`t feel bad for loving her for her body.
If you can`t say something nice about someone, you probably know the same people I do.