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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
I wonder if one day somebody will knock on my door and say to me, “Hey ,we have 7 mutual friends in Facebook; may I come in?"
Sometimes I think of something so wrong and inappropriate that my little black heart skips a beat with delight.
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I’m heading north to start a new life.
The term "bath toys" has a whole new meaning when you`re an adult
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
The snooze button, because there’s nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity........thats how rich I want to be.
I guess at a job interview "firing you" is not an acceptable answer when asked where I see myself in a few years.
I may be delusional but at least I`m going to Mars in November.
Relationships always start out as "You`re smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it`s all a joke to you!"
Why do they call a status a status if it already happened? I mean, shouldnt it be called History?
Ok a$$hole, just go around me. I`m already doing 30 over the limit, I`m not speeding up. Stupid car with your stupid flashing lights
Do athletic people not know about Netflix?