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I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
Sadly, the opposite sex is ignoring me like a check engine light.
They say in the near future computers will become more intelligent than people, really, the near future? I walk down the street and see girls who struggle with the difference between orange and tanned, guys who have no idea how a belt works, and all of them with less language skills then the average trained chimp. Computers? Hell I’ve got an alarm clock that’s smarter than most of them right now.
Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back in my toy chest..
´s status message is better than yours
Hi, we`re a group of teens who solve mysteries! We wanna be taken seriously so we wrote a theme song about how we can`t ever find our dog.
I just gotta believe that as a species we`re capable of making an automatic hand dryer that`s quieter than an airplane.
Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.
Just watched The Grey. The wolves left half the Mexican .. to spicy??
I`m no mathlete, but I CAN tell you that a 6 y/o running at 8 mph chasing an ice cream truck moving at 10 mph flies 7.4 ft if you trip him.
The average man thinks about sex every tits seconds
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here.
I`m so deep in the friendzone that I`ve met her boyfriends parents