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Who says nothing is impossible. I´ve been doing nothing for years.
Parents, forget about teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. Teach your kids the difference between their, they`re and there.
Who do Walmart shoppers make fun of?
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge.
Just ONCE, I`d like to look deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
It`s all fun and games until the cops show up.
Give a man a gun he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he can rob everybody
It`s not paranoia if they really are out to get you.
Shout out to people who are hard of hearing.
Save the US Postal Service. Have the Jehovah Witness and Mormons deliver the mail.
I`m not fat. My stomach is in 3D
Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels? - Bfanch