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Million dollar idea: Duck Dynasty chia pets.
Never look back. That’s where all the monsters are.
Do people who run know that we’re not food anymore.
I pack an hour before leaving for a trip but unpacks 3 months after coming home
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
It isn`t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would`ve been a better option.
justin bieber
Don`t waste my timeline.
I laughed more at the Broncos offense then I did at the commercials.
Why can`t someone look at me the same way I look at pizza?
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-ass".
I`ll tell you what`s wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.
Facebook is like a fridge full of old food you know what is in your fridge but still you go and check if it changed.