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Don`t ask me for advice, my answer is always get them drunk.
Why does the need to pee intensify by million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house.
It isn`t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would`ve been a better option.
When I`m bored, I send a random text to a random number saying "I hid the body... now what?"
Most days the best thing about my job is that my chair spins
When I drink I become everybody`s friend which makes up for my hating everybody when I`m sober.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
According to my current parking spot, I`m Chief of Police.
If it`s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?
I`d stop disappointing you, if you stopped expecting me to do stuff.
If you recieve something that says,”Send it to all your friends” , then please don`t consider me as your friend.
How I sing it: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G,....H, I, J, K, A LEMON OH PEE!....Q, R, S....T, U, V....W, X....Y, and Z."
If I’m ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"