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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
Who needs a social life when you have Netflix and a fridge full of food?
Teens today have it so easy. We didn`t have self-checkout lanes when we bought condoms.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of the plane...
Not all guys just want s@x... I want sandwiches too.
The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.
Not having any friends means I`m always the pretty one.
Sometimes there just aren’t enough curse words.
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
I don`t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
The Internet: where no one is afraid to say the first thing that pops into their head.
Unless your name is “Google”, stop acting as if you know everything!
An important phone call is something that occurs when there`s no better excuse to ignore someone.
I have no time or patience for games in my relationships. Unless by “games” you’re referring to naked Twister. I can make time for that.
First you told me to be myself now you`re telling to me not be an idiot. Make up your mind woman!